Mystery Science Theatre 3000: The Movie ****

To the people at Netflix:

I have been a satisfied customer of yours since 1999. I have had nothing but positive things to say about your company, and some days seem to talk about your convenient services endlessly on road trips between episodes of Battlestar Galactica! Heck, if you let me, I would subscribe to six or eight discs at a time (however, four works all the same)!!

Last night I rented a so-called classic of yours in Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie and am eternally disappointed: Why did you send me a bootleg, especially when people are clearly talking through it?

Your ol’ pal Big Buff is a huge fan of the sci-fi genre, so viewing something made so exclusively for both mystery and science aficionados such as myself was an inevitable pairing. Man, let me tell you that this movie did not disappoint (outside, of course, for the horrible copy of the film!!!)!

The film focuses on one of the world’s greatest scientists, named Dr. Cal (Probably because he finished top of his class at Berkley! Ha-ha-ha!). Not only is he a great scientist, but a great pilot, and smooth with the ladies! Talk about a guy with utility! Ha-ha!

This man of science comes across a mystery (I am assuming this takes place in the year 3000): He is sent a machine which he must assemble! Why? Who sent it? What does it do?!?! These are important questions of gravity raised, but unfortunately I never learned the answer to thanks to the the bootleg capturing imbeciles making fart sounds throughout the film!

Dr. Cal–having passed his previous test of building some sort of machine–then boards a plane to work on a secret project on some island (I think). His boss turns out to be kind of a jerk, forcing Dr. Cal to flee from the island by plane–only to be beamed up by a flying saucer!!!!! And let me tell you that this escape scene was riveting and intense!!!!!

After being beamed up, Dr. Cal and the girl (I never caught her name over rude people squealing throughout the recording… also, my cats kept trying to steal my popcorn) run from these new, crazy martians. They ultimately meet the chief alien who has a brain so large it seems to have burst through his skull!!! I have never tried drugs before, but this must be the types of things you see!!! Ahhhhhh scary!!! (I love a good scare Ha-Ha-Ha!)

To be honest, Mystery Science Theatre 3000: The Movie was sometimes pretty confusing. Looking back, I couldn’t really make sense of the plot, but that likely results from the horrible audio in my copy rather than anything at fault of the film itself.

From what I did understand, it was a fantastic film that deserves a second viewing and a lot more concentration than I was able to give it.

It seemed like a movie that probably deserved 4.5 out of 4, but I couldn’t hear enough of the dialogue to confidently give it this grade. Your ol’ friend Big Buff can’t just give out stars based on how the movie probably was, otherwise I might as well give all movies ever made top marks!!! Instead, Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie gets four stars out of four*, with an asterisks implying the need for a second, non-bootleg viewing… without any annoying idiots yammering throughout the film!!!!

Until next time, this is your ol’ buddy Big Buff reminding you to stay a student of all things cinema!