With a little over 63 days and change until the next meaningful hockey game for Hawks fans, we would like to take this opportunity to fill some of our less knowledgeable readers in on some of the more unique aspects of our favorite Hawks players. So the next time someone at a hockey game asks you, “who was the former Hawks player who “single handedly” beat a bear to death with his own severed arm?” you can reply with confidence, “Marty Havlat”.

Our first player profile focuses on Dave Bolland.

Bio: Originally drafted 32nd overall in the 2004 NHL Entry Draft, Dave played for the London Knights (2002-2006) while simultaneously studying Space-Time Displacement Theory at Oxford University. During his time with the Knights and at Oxford, Dave penned the Borrand Theory which states that time moves at a slower speed in the minute gravitational wake of a puck traveling at roughly 85 MPH. Upon contact with a defender, goalie or teammate the displacement of time transfers to the recipient and actually causes them to travel slightly forward in time as well as causing a slight increase in age. Upon his call up to the Hawks during the 2006-2007 season, Dave’s theory took an unexpected twist when he discovered what has been termed the Byfuglien Constant. Dave’s research shows that if a puck is hit at a great enough speed and with great enough force, the displacement wake behind and to the sides of the puck will actually move the universe out of the way. The theory states that if a puck is hit with roughly 200lbs of force at a rate of 160MPH, there is a space-time shift of roughly 7 feet. It is currently unknown what prolonged effects this has on any players who come into contact with this constant but a loose connection has been made between the seemingly dramatic increase in aging of Roberto Luongo and last year’s Conference Semi-Finals.

Dave recently signed a 5-year, $18 million dollar deal with the Hawks to fund his research and hopes to discover the impact of this effect on players on the ice at the time of a Byfuglien Space-Time Displacement Event.