And you thought I was kidding when I said I was a student of all things cinema!!!!!!!!!! (Ha-Ha-Ho!)
Where the Wild Things Are is one of the books I carry with me, as I can draw strength from little Max in the face of adversity (also, as it reminds me to maintain a childlike form of innocence). However, I am worried about seeing the film version… SCAARRRYYYY!!!! Brian Campbell mentioned taking his kids, and they cried through the whole film!!!!!!!!!!!
Last week, while getting my daily fix for idiocy and logical fallacies (listening to sports talk radio), I overheard that 670 The Score would be hosting “Hockey Night in America” at Palmer Place (my local bar) on October “meh”th. Laurence Holmes would be hosting his show live at the bar, and Dustin Byfuglien would be making an appearance from 8 to 10pm. While not actually catching the date, I made a borderline-useless note of the event. However, it would seem that fate was on my side as I made the best choice in dinner locations I’ve made in months.
October 9th was a regular Friday. Productivity at work was taking an exponential drop as 5pm drew closer, and my desire for beer was off the charts. Despite some miscommunication with my brother, I finally got a hold of him, and we agreed to meet my girlfriend at Palmer Place in La Grange for dinner at 6pm. As the clock struck 5, I tore out of the elevator like I was running the Kentucky Derby, and hustled my ass to the bus. The bus begot the train, the train begot La Grange, and La Grange begot the bar. As I approached the door, a strange feeling overtook me…my hockey 6th sense was tingling, as I took notice of 3 or 4 blackhawks jerseys at the booth in the window. Then I saw the sign. “670 The Score hosts ‘Hockey Night in America with Dustin Byfuglien‘ on Friday October 9th.” F*** YES! My elation over my luck managed to overthrow the realization that the lady would not be thrilled to spend the entire night in a loud bar listening to Blackhawk talk with Big Buff.
Ignoring any rational concern over my girlfriend, I grabbed a Guiness and quickly sat down in the back near the show. Palmer Place had set up a large tent where they normally host an amazing beer garden. As a plus, the tent was heated, much to the appreciation of a crowd that walked in record lows to be there. My brother and girlfriend showed up about 15 minutes later, and I explained to them the situation. We agreed that we would have to stick around for an autograph. I dug into my Fish & Chips and eagerly awaited the show.
From that point forward, the night took very strange turns and proved to be quite the let down. First of all, the Fish & Chips meal only came with two small pieces of white fish, which were just “meh” in flavor. My brother and girlfriend had similar feelings on their food…it wasn’t great. On a side note, never place your Malt Vinegar next to your Beer, or face the wrath of the Fish & Chip gods as you feign enjoyment of your soggy, beer-soaked fish. Luckily, we weren’t there for the food (well, we were, but Hockey IS nourishment, so the food wasn’t nearly as important).
Before I say anything too negative, let me start out by saying that Laurence Holmes is an AWESOME guy. He is classy, knows his sports, and loves his fans. My brother walked up and introduced himself, then asked if Bernstein is as big of a tool as he seems to be on his show. Laurence claimed that it was all an act, he told him he loved his show, and my brother came back to the table believing he now knew Laurence on a personal level. I had to explain to him the next morning that this was simply not true. A comedy highlight of the show came when Laurence exclaimed “Does anyone else find it odd that 2 black guys are going to be talking hockey for the next 2 hours..I just find that weird. Ya know?” My brother said it best, “We love your show Laurence, it was great to meet you.”
Now, the moment everyone was waiting for, Dustin Byfuglien was about to arrive. I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. I feel that when you are doing an event of this nature, you are representing your organization. It doesn’t matter whether you are a business executive, a professional athlete, a teacher, a janitor or anything in between. Whoever that large man who walked in the back door was, he wasn’t a professional. Honestly, if I had seen him on the street, I would have figured he just came out out of a club. His straight-brimmed, sticker-still-on, rainbow colored St. Louis Cardinals hat really threw me for a loop. If I showed up at a work event looking like he did, I would have been fired the very next morning. Despite my initial objections to his appearance, I tried to stay reasonable and remind myself that he’s just a guy, and he has a right to dress the way he wants. For all I knew, The Score and the Hawks may have wanted to keep a casual image, so I was willing to look beyond, as it might not be fair of me otherwise.
I stood in line for 45 minutes with a Blackhawk Pennant that I wanted Buff to sign. My girlfriend suggested that I go back and grab one of my Hawks jerseys, but I explained that “Then I’d have a Jersey signed by Dustin Byfuglien…” He was signing at a rate of about 15 people per break, so all-in-all I didn’t wait for THAT long. I’ve waited longer for John Paxson back in the Bulls dynasty days, and I didn’t even get an autograph cause he had to leave. As I approached the table for my autograph, I tried my best not to get a case of “celebrity mania,” but it got the best of me and I became a bit nervous over my encounter. I walked up and said “Hey Buff, how’s it going?” He did not respond. In utter shock, I layed down the pennant and he signed it. My brother then asked him who he thought the biggest goon in hockey was, and again, he failed to respond. I guess you fulfilled your obligation Buff, it was nice to meet you too.
Now, to be fair, there are some factors that may have contributed to Byfulgien’s lack of response. To start, he had already signed about 50 autographs prior to my brother, girlfriend and I. On top of it, many of the fans were families, and I’d say that most of them took their kid’s pictures with Buff. If I had to put on that many smiles I might not be too interested in the next fan either. The last and most probable explanation would be that is simply too loud and Buff couldn’t even hear us. I would like to believe that it was the latter, but the look on Buff’s face when my brother asked him about the biggest goon told me that he heard damn well what was said, and just chose to ignore it.
So there you have it. I entered the bar on that cold Friday night feeling like a kid again, and came out feeling extremely disenchanted. Putting everything else aside, it seemed like Dustin Byfuglien just didn’t really want to be there. I can understand that. He’s at work, and I don’t always want to be at work either. However, its your job. You put on a face, man-up, and show some devotion, no matter how false, to your fans and your team. The highlight of the night was supposed to be to meet a Blackhawk, but it turned out that I was much more grateful for having the opportunity to see a Laurence Holmes show in person. Sorry Buff, but the quality of this night was much like the quality of your movie reviews…”meh.”
I got “Byfuglien’d”
Below: Dol Byle’s signature. This must be Byfuglien’s pen name.
It’s time once again for your ol’ pal Big Buff to give you a classic film review in the 1994 psychological thriller Little Big Lea-
YO DUSTIN BYFUGLIEN I KNOW YOU JUST GOT A REVIEW AND ALL AND IMMA LET U FINISH… BUT ROGER EBERT WAS ONE OF THE BEST FILM REVIEWERS OF ALL TIME! THE BEST!!!!
I have been a satisfied customer of yours since 1999. I have had nothing but positive things to say about your company, and some days seem to talk about your convenient services endlessly on road trips between episodes of Battlestar Galactica! Heck, if you let me, I would subscribe to six or eight discs at a time (however, four works all the same)!!
Last night I rented a so-called classic of yours in Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie and am eternally disappointed: Why did you send me a bootleg, especially when people are clearly talking through it?
Your ol’ pal Big Buff is a huge fan of the sci-fi genre, so viewing something made so exclusively for both mystery and science aficionados such as myself was an inevitable pairing. Man, let me tell you that this movie did not disappoint (outside, of course, for the horrible copy of the film!!!)!
The film focuses on one of the world’s greatest scientists, named Dr. Cal (Probably because he finished top of his class at Berkley! Ha-ha-ha!). Not only is he a great scientist, but a great pilot, and smooth with the ladies! Talk about a guy with utility! Ha-ha!
This man of science comes across a mystery (I am assuming this takes place in the year 3000): He is sent a machine which he must assemble! Why? Who sent it? What does it do?!?! These are important questions of gravity raised, but unfortunately I never learned the answer to thanks to the the bootleg capturing imbeciles making fart sounds throughout the film!
Dr. Cal–having passed his previous test of building some sort of machine–then boards a plane to work on a secret project on some island (I think). His boss turns out to be kind of a jerk, forcing Dr. Cal to flee from the island by plane–only to be beamed up by a flying saucer!!!!! And let me tell you that this escape scene was riveting and intense!!!!!
After being beamed up, Dr. Cal and the girl (I never caught her name over rude people squealing throughout the recording… also, my cats kept trying to steal my popcorn) run from these new, crazy martians. They ultimately meet the chief alien who has a brain so large it seems to have burst through his skull!!! I have never tried drugs before, but this must be the types of things you see!!! Ahhhhhh scary!!! (I love a good scare Ha-Ha-Ha!)
To be honest, Mystery Science Theatre 3000: The Movie was sometimes pretty confusing. Looking back, I couldn’t really make sense of the plot, but that likely results from the horrible audio in my copy rather than anything at fault of the film itself.
From what I did understand, it was a fantastic film that deserves a second viewing and a lot more concentration than I was able to give it.
It seemed like a movie that probably deserved 4.5 out of 4, but I couldn’t hear enough of the dialogue to confidently give it this grade. Your ol’ friend Big Buff can’t just give out stars based on how the movie probably was, otherwise I might as well give all movies ever made top marks!!! Instead, Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie gets four stars out of four*, with an asterisks implying the need for a second, non-bootleg viewing… without any annoying idiots yammering throughout the film!!!!
Until next time, this is your ol’ buddy Big Buff reminding you to stay a student of all things cinema!
This is your ol’ pal, Dustin Byfuglien! Many of you may not know this, but your ol’ buddy just so happens to be a bit of a fanatic of hollywood cinema… you might even go as far to call me a Big ol’ “Movie” Buff! ha-HA! Anyway, as most of you know I make $3 million per year, and that money needs to be spent somehow! That’s why your ol’ friend Dustin Byfuglien has a State-Of-The-Art movie complex in the basement of his house. ha-HA!
This week I intend to review a movie that came my way: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Now, Big Buff loves to read the Harry Potter series. I can remember a time this year when everyone seemed to be angry at your ol’ chum, and all I could think about was getting back to my hotel room and burying my nose into a world where criticism was returned with a good ol’ Petrificus Totalus! ha-HAHA!
That being said to Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince,I LOVED IT!!! Four and a half stars out of four stars!
First and foremost, there are two realms in the duality of Harry Potter’s life: the side in which he confronts the normal but awkward adolescent transition, and side with the crazy life where everyone puts so much pressure on you that sometimes it feels like your head is going to cave inward where all you’ll become is this walking concaved symbolized characature of disappointment! (Believe it or not, your ol’ mate Big Buff sometimes identifies with these awkward circumstances in the movie where you’re cornered with a lady with nothing to say!)
Other than that, your good ol’ boy Big Buff found himself completely lost inside the entire movie! Sure, the ending may not have been as bloody or well climaxed as in the fine literature, and sure, sometime the movie tended to rush through important developments, but other than that Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince was probably the most important movie I have seen all year long!!! ha-HA!
To conclude: See this movie. See it with one of every members of your family, because there is so much to draw from. Take the scene with Christmas at the Weasley’s, for example… All I could think about was calling Big Buff Sr. and telling him how much I love him!!!
Additionally, when everyone criticizes Harry as someone with paranoid theories about those above him see him as this expendable person, not worth the amount of resources placed upon him, and then he finds himself giggly around his best friend’s sister, one can certainly identify with that internal dialogue we have all had about prioritizing friendship!!! HO-HO!
Until next time, this is your ol’ comrade Big Buff reminding you to stay a student of all things cinema!
